In honor of breast cancer awareness month, I wrote this...

Just What I’ve Always Wanted!


I never got to properly say good-bye to my breasts. Not that I know how one would really go about it. Would you throw them a going-away party?  Buy them a card? Sing them a song? I just took photos to remember them by and went to bed.


Five hours, a lot of drugs, and 2 surgeries later, they were gone. All gone. Nipples too. (People don’t think about that part, but in most cases they have to go too.)


I wish I had done more with them when they were here. Took them to more places, showed them more of the world. Let them meet more interesting people. I didn’t know I wouldn’t have them forever. It wasn’t something I ever thought much about, to tell you the truth.


I never really thought about giving them up, because, well, I never really thought about getting cancer. Other people get cancer. Other old people. Not me, not 39-year-old me. Not me, who has traveled the world, been to graduate school, and made it through childbirth (with back labor!) without an epidural. That kind of shit just doesn’t happen people like me.


Well, you may think, who the hell do you think it happens to, then? The truth is, it happens to people like me, people not like me, and people somewhat like me.


Older, younger, prettier, healthier, less fit, more fit, fatter, skinnier, darker, lighter, people with piercings and tattoos, educated, not-educated, middle class, unemployed, CEOs, northerners, southerners, mid-westerners, artists, poets, gardeners, teachers, doctors, moms, dads, and me. We can all get breast cancer. And when we do, it always, always sucks.


Sometimes it sucks more, sometimes it sucks less, but I can pretty much guarantee that no one who has heard the words, “It’s breast cancer” has ever done a jig, threw up their hands and said, “Awesome! Just what I’ve always wanted!”


Then you are numb. And it is like it isn’t happening to you, but someone else. And your whole world slowly and subtly just falls out from under you. You feel so completely let down, set adrift, let go—or whatever you feel—(but it will all suck) and you have no earthly idea what it all means. What it means for your body, your marriage, your kids, your bank account, your job, your mind, your friendships, your whole way of being in the world. Your whole way of living your life. You have no idea what any of it means and that, that is truly terrifying.


After a certain age, we like to feel that we can know what our lives are all about. What will happen today, tomorrow, and next year. And one figures, for the most part, most of it is all kind of know-able, tolerable, and pretty much the same as today. But now that is no longer true. Your life is no longer know-able or predictable in the way that your friend’s lives are know-able and predictable (or so you think).

 You are no longer in control of your own life, your own body, your own time. You freak out, you cry, you get pissed off, you sleep, you dive into work. However you cope. You start there, and once the numbness wears off a bit and the shock is mostly over, you find yourself living a life you could never imagine. A life filled with needles, appointments, waiting rooms, lab tests, scans, more waiting rooms, hospital protocols, chemo, bruises, hospital gowns. And all these things become your new way of being, living, and seeing the world. You are no longer quite whole, you are now a cancer patient.

 In a freaky and twisted way—you can get used to anything, trust me—you get used to it. It becomes who you are, at least for now. All that stuff you never imagined happens to you again and again. Over and over. Time passes and six months later, you can’t believe you still have three more rounds of chemo, two surgeries, and nipple tattoos (yes, they were a surprise to me too) to go. But you do, and so you keep going. Because really, what is the alternative?

 Then, before you have time to gather your friends and throw a party, you are saying good-bye to your breasts forever. Your surgeon (well meaning, but still has her breasts) is saying things like, “Just think, you will have the breasts of an 18-year-old” and I think, “Oh, really? How many 18-year-olds do you know with six-inch scars and nipple tattoos?” Unless her name is Frankenstein, not many, I bet.

 Anyway, I’d rather have my (now) 40-year-old breasts, thank you. They had nerve endings, they had sensation, and they had real nipples. They didn’t have eternal numbness, scars, silicone, or arm-pit cleavage.


But—and you must remember this—they did have cancer, and that my dear reader, is why you had to part ways with them in the first place.

Almost there!

Hi everyone! Thanks for all your good wishes on Facebook, email, phone messages, etc. I really appreciate your support through this last stage in my treatment. As my sister wrote last week, the surgery was successful and I've been home recoveing for the past week. I'm cleared to drive and will pop into work for a bit tomorrow morning. Today, I was able to talk Lucy for a walk and even went out to the post office. It was my first exercise in a week, very welcome. I'm going back to work on Monday as planned. I am still healing, the drain sites are especially sore, and my throat is badly bruised. I am black and blue all over. Hopefully, in 6-8 weeks my foobs will be where there supposed to be and look normal. Right now, I'm trying to remain optimistic.

Surgery Update

Hi - I am writing this update for my sister Bonnie.  Her last surgery went well and she is resting at home.  She has been told not to use her arms for several days -- makes it kinda hard to drink, eat, pull up the covers, or give her sister her daily massage (ha-ha).  Anyway she is hanging in there and we are very glad to see this last surgery finished!

Some Updates, Sorry for the Delay

If anyone is still reading this blog (anyone? anyone?), my apologies for the long-awaited update. I've really been busy this semester trying to get back in the swing of a semi-normal life and haven't had much time to blog. Well, that isn't specifically true. I've had time to blog, I've just spent it doing other things. Particularly, other things that don't make me think of cancer. : (

This weekend, however, for reasons that I will explain, putting my head in the sand about cancer wasn't possible. So here I am, back at the blog, and I realize I have been remiss in putting out the nitty gritty on all things cancer related for my (humble) audience.

On Friday, I had the first of (perhaps many?) my Zometa treatments. Zometa is a drug that is given to combat bone loss, calcium loss, for women like me (among others) who are taking breast cancer drugs that slowly eat away at your bones (as if cancer wasn't bad enough!). Zometa is given every 6 months, by infusion, in the chemo treatment room. A place to which I thought I would NEVER have to return. I was wrong. I tried to finagle an alternative location for the treatment to no avail (insurance wouldn't cover it if I didn't have it done there). So back we went.  This time, I barely remember anything about the trip as I was completely snockered on substances that kept my anxiety at bay and my head in dreamland. I was able to walk to the treatment room on my own volition, and remember something about an IV, but the rest is blissfully blurry.

The first Zometa treatment is particularly noxious as it makes your body feel "flu-like symptoms" for 3-4 days afterwards. Great. They say the second time isn't quite so bad, and thereafter not bad at all. But this was my first. So it sucked. Aches, nausea, chills, fatigue, lack of appetite (the only upside)--I had it all. It is Tuesday, and I'm still feeling fairly crap. But I did it, and my body thanks me, or it will soon.

All this going back to the hospital, back to the chemo room, back to cancer has had me reeling. All it took was one trip and I was sent into the pits of despair for the entire weekend. Ugh, cancer. The gift that keeps on giving. And giving.

If anyone really is still reading this blog, I do want to let you know that I have a surgery date for my FINAL SURGERY!!! While I am glad it will be my final, I am not at all glad to go under the knife and general anesthesia again. On DECEMBER 2,  I am going to have these horrible tissue expanders removed and my silicone implants will be inserted in their place. Let's hope they last a long freaking time, cause I'm not planning on having any more stuff done to those babies in the foreseeable future.

Okay, I'm done, I'm tired, and feeling wretched.

I am still on the planet, thanks for asking!

I know when someone has cancer and people read their blog to see what is happening. If that person doesn't post in a long time, people start to worry. Don't worry! I'm still around. In taking the summer off from cancer, I also took the summer off from the blog. Sorry if I freaked anyone out!

OK, a quick update on all things Bonnie. I've been back at work since May. Working pretty much full time since June. Some days are good, some days are bad. Most days I'm tired. Still dealing with the chemo brain symptoms (cloudy head, fuzzy thinking, can't follow many conversations at once, can't think on my feet, can't type fast or accurately) and trying not to let it get me down. Coffee helps some, but I can't really drink it all day, so by 3:00 the fuzzy head starts again and things move v  e  r  y   s  l  o  w  l  y. Mostly I make a lot of lists and if I need to remember something, I have to write it down immediately!

My latest piece- 11 x 16 hand torn paper

I had some time off--not enough, but some--and am now gearing up for a busy fall semester. Yuma starts back at school (7th grade!) next Wednesday, and Kate is off to Baltimore the same day. Caroline will start a new school (go Quakers!), and David and I continue to work for the man. Crazy.

Aside from work, I've started doing some art projects again and have made a couple of pieces for friends. I will also display a piece at Duke in the Employee Art Show next month. That's all good. 

Am planning on my final surgery (let's hope it is my final surgery forever!) in October. My plastic surgeon will replace these two horrible tissue expanders with my final silicone implants, and at the end of it all I should be sporting some rather fascinating foobs. I'm not anywhere excited about the prospect of new foobs, to me it all sucks and fake boobs are just the final humiliation. But hey, I'm still alive and things could be a lot worse.  I'm aware that it sounds a bit on the Debbie Downer side. So sue me. : )

Finished for the summer!

Woo-hoo! Done! Done! Done! Well, at least for now. I finished my last fill on Tuesday and I am done for the summer! Yippeeeee! I went in last Tuesday and my PS asked if I thought I was happy with the size of my expanders. I told him I am and he gave me my final fill. He said I could have my replacement surgery as early as a month from now, but I told him I'm taking the summer off and will wait a while for my next, and hopefully final, surgery. I need the summer off from the hospital and the focus on my foobs (that's fake+boobs= foobs for the unitiated).

So what's next? Well, I will continue to work over the summer. Take a few small vacations here and there, and will probably schedule the replacement surgery in the fall. They will take out the expanders and put in my silicone gel implants at that time. I won't be able to use my arms for a week and I'll have those horrible drains again, so I decided to give myself a break and wait a while.

I'm going to try to keep up with yoga over the summer. I was under a dark cloud last week and didn't go to any classes, but I'm going to try to go tomorrow. I went to the library and got some post-cancer reading materials of the "now what do I do?" and "help, my brain is permanently damaged by chemo, what do I do?" variety. I hope they have some insight. I could use some emotional assistance.

Hope everyone is having a great summer and enjoying life. I'm making art again, so things are looking up. Will post some of my stuff sometime soon.

Back at work, really busy!

I've been unable to write anything recently because I'm back at work and it's been really busy.

I'm feeling so much better these days. The pain is far better than a month ago, and I continue to go in for my weekly fills. My PS says only 2 more fills and I should be done! Yay! Then I will decide when I want to do the exchange surgery. I'm thinking to give my body a summer off and go in for my final (I hope!) surgery in the fall sometime. The tissue expanders don't hurt as much as they did in the early stages, so I might be able to wait a few months and not suffer in the interim. That would be great! I'm so over feeling shitty or being in pain.

I've been back at yoga since mid-May and it has been wonderful. It really helps with my joint pain and general stiffness. I wouldn't be a very happy camper without yoga these days.

The final surgery is a bit more intense than I thought. I will have general anaesthesia again (boo!), drains again (serious boo!), and won't be able to use my arms for at least a week. All in all, not great. So I think I will wait until fall and enjoy life for a while.

I've been working since May, but working at home off and on. I'm still on "intermittent personal leave" until December which means I can take off when I need to but have to use my vacation and sick time. I can use Kiel donations too if needed. So if you have any vacation time that is going to waste, I could sure use it for the fall surgery. I really appreciate it!

Hope everyone is enjoying their summer. Photo to come soon, my hair is growing in nicely and I actually need to pluck my eyebrows, seriously! I might even need a haircut in the next month or so to even things out a bit. Wouldn't that be cool!